Resources

Here is some readily available, science-based, and street-proven advice that has worked for me and many others:

  • Relationship advice from highly regarded psychotherapist Terry Real. Learn about Terry in this podcast. Read Terry's new book, US; Getting Past You & Me to build a more loving relationship. Terry talks about how we are co-regulating all the time; we are not designed to be alone. Rugged individualism is a constructed myth. When working with a triggered client he asks which part of you am I talking to? The 'wise adult' who is present and thoughtful or the 'adaptive child'; the reactive, trauma-triggered part of you created when you were dealing with whatever you were dealing with. This is part of you that looks like an adult but is not.

  • Serge Prengel offers advice on how to change problematic behaviors through thought-process adaptation in his podcast and book, The Proactive Twelve Steps.

  • Frederick Imbo's Ted Talk helps those who want to learn how not to take things personally.

  • Ester Perel is another relationship expert who offers monthly live workshops, a newsletter, and podcasts with live demonstrations of couples therapy. Ester offers many tips on how to build relational intelligence.

  • Gabor Mate's 'Myth of Normal' is an encyclopedia about trauma. Trauma is a functional nervous system response to a single or repeated event/s that your nervous system was incapable of integrating. Symptoms of trauma may include; impulsive irrational behavior that doesn't serve you or those around you, a sensitive nervous system, and a range of dysfunctional mental behaviors. While some trauma (capital 'T' Trauma/PTSD) comes from one single event most trauma is relational in nature and mostly from childhood. Because the events happened in childhood they are often not remembered. For those who experience obvious trauma, the ACES study (Adverse Childhood Events Study) offers insights into the impact. Here is a visual.

  • Here is an example of Gabor using his model called 'Compassionate Inquiry' (CI) with Tim Ferris to help reframe a challenging moment. Here's another great example of CI with a group of social workers where he points out how deep implicit memories often impact our dysfunctional emotional reactions.

  • Here's a short video on 7 DIY muscle-testing techniques.

  • For many tools and articles about how to live easier check out the Greater Good Science Center.